wednesday, february 25th, 2026
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i'd love for this entry to be just about the super new css layout i've implemented last week! unfortunately, this is mostly gonna be about mental health issues that i'm having these days. probably a long post, so uhh hold on tight?
it's been almost a year since i left a career in academia that had no real prospects and was impacting severely on my mental health. probably any phd student or young researcher would tell you the same tale of verbal abuse, overworking, and general unpleasantness that is found in most universities nowadays, especially in humanities -- and my story isn't too different from that.
when i finally graduated, i thought that the worst was over. for the first time in years i felt free, without the heavy weight on my chest that i had grown used to. i started a course to get on track to a job that would pay my bills while leaving time for me to live my life, and i am in a loving relatinship with my partner.
that is probably why i got totally sidetracked by the random ass panic attack that compleely froze me two mondays ago. i got stuck on a thought that wouldn't leave, and terror kept growing and growing inside my head, and it all led me to believe that everything was over. that my relationship was over, that my future was over and that i had ruined it.
of course, NONE of this was true! my partner was incredibly supportive and listened to me cry over something that was not happening at all. i was so afraid that they'd take it the wrong way and distanced themselves, but all i got was support and understanding. i talked it over multiple times with my sister, who also listened to my rants and reassured me. i told my friends, and i told my thrapist.
i'm making this long list of people i talked to not to brag about my support net (this made me realize i do have one and it's wonderful) but because talking to people about myself, about my feelings, about what i was going through, is not something i usually do. actually it's something i've never done before starting therapy in late 2023. reaching out for help was something i thought of as "forbidden", and i never let myself do that before.
but this time ... this time i felt safe and understood enough to let it all out. and it helped immensely. bouncing off my fears to someone who is not myself and being reassured probably saved me from letting it consume my soul from the inside.
i guess this is why i wanted to write this on here. it's a first for me, and i want myself to remember that asking for help is allowed and it's good and it might solve the problem i am stressing about. so, future me: please re-read this all whenever you need it. thanks.